you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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