Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
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I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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