alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
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You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
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Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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