I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
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Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
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I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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