I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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