Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
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Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
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I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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