It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize