I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
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she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
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Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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