You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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