You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize