new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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