I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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