I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
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I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
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so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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