Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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