Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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