soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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