we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
