Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
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She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
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Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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