We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
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I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
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Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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