i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
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Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
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You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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