Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
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chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
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Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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