You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
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Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
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I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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