nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
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fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
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Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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