I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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