What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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