I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
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She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
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So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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