shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Randomize
