He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
