You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
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I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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