Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
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I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
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I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
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