you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
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He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
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The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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