My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
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He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
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I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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