I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
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I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
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We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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