So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize