Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
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I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
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And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
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