she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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