I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize