If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
It was confusing and full of hummus
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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