I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
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I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
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Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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