I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
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everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
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you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
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