How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
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You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
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Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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