he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
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How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
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I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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