I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
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Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
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My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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