My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
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a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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