Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
he had hair everywhere except his balls
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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