i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize