Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
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A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
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There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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