can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
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Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
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We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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