We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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