We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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