If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Two words: blizzard sex
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize